A Very Concise History of Taiwan

I recently read "The Concise History of Taiwan," because my dad gave it to me, and although it was not a very good book, I did end up learning some interesting stuff. For those of you who are uninitiated, here is a concise version of a concise history of Taiwan:

1. Long time ago: - Polynesian islanders drift to the Taiwan and settle there, becoming the island's first human inhabitants. Presumably, they are happy.

2. History begins.

3. 1500's: A bunch of Portuguese sailors sail by. One of them spots Taiwan and shouts out "Ilha Formosa," which means "beautiful island." He then immediately succumbs to scurvy and syphilis, collapsing on deck.

4. Early 1600's: The Dutch invade southern Taiwan. Conquest and and rampant resource exploitation ensue, but at least the people get to hear about Jesus.

5. About the same time: The Spanish invade northern Taiwan, then same as #4.

6. Mid-1600's: A Chinese rebel named Koxinga invades Taiwan. The Dutch and Spanish are owned.

7. Late 1600's: China invades Taiwan. Koxinga's grandson, the acting ruler, is owned.

8. Late 1800's: The first Sino-Japanese War breaks out. The first naval battle is miserable lost by the Chinese, whose empress squandered the national treasury to fund construction of, among other things, a lavish marble boat, resulting in the military being underfunded, resulting in a production mistake, resulting in the manufacture of cannonballs which were too large for the cannons, so that when they tried to shoot the Japanese, the cannonballs got stuck, blowing huge holes in their own ships and sinking them. China is owned and Taiwan is ceded to Japan.

9. World War 2: The Communists and Nationalists duke it out in China. Furious with the Communists for suppressing intellectuals and dissidents, the Nationalists flee to Taiwan, where they slaughter thousands of Taiwanese intellectuals and dissidents in what later becomes known as the 228 incident.

10. 1950's: Taiwan is in grave danger of being owned by Mao, but is saved by the Korean War, which causes America to provide it with vast amounts of military and economic aid in order to check the spread of communism.

11. 1960's: The Taiwanese decide they are more interested in manufacturing semiconductor chips than growing taro. They become noticeably richer.

12. 1970's: Chiang Kai-Shek dies and his son takes over, developing national infrastructure, building roads, and secretly being mocked for his thick Zhejiang accent.

13. 1980's: Li Teng Hui becomes president and initially institutes many significant democratic reforms. Later, he becomes grossly corrupt.

14. 1990's: Chen Shui Bian becomes president and initially institutes many significant democratic reforms. Later, he becomes grossly corrupt.

15. 2000's: Ma Ying-Jeou is becomes president based primarily on physical attractiveness. He proves too useless to institute reforms or steal money.

15. Somewhere in this general timeframe: Bubble tea is invented.

That's it for now! Hope you have learned something from this short history lesson!